Rambler #4: Poop Finally

You didn’t listen to my advice did you and now you’re in the heart of it. If you’ve only just started, you can still turn back. If you’ve purchased real underwear adorned with Lightning McQueen or My Little Pony and there’s no going back.

I’ll try to help you salvage what you can.

First, modern-day diapers can absorb a child’s full body weight in pee and poop. That’s right, their full body weight. You can note this when you buy diapers. In the bottom left corner of the packaging is a weight range, say 24-36 pounds. That’s 24-36 pounds of pee and poop that can be absorbed by one single diaper. And you just removed this space-age protection from the loins of your child. You will be appalled by the amount of what exits from your child.

Second, if you have a son, he will soon realize that he can, in fact, control the stream of urine. With reckless abandon, he will fire upon any object within range, be it furniture or sisters. He will not pee in the potty if at all possible.

Worse still results from the ill-advised notion that bathing two kids in the tub at once is a great idea — think of all the water you save. Remember the sleepover where the poor kid who first fell asleep got his fingers stuck in warm water and peed his pants? As soon as your son’s feet hit the warm bath water, his Gatling gun will release a withering assault on his sister’s head.

One small solace is that you will save water in flushing the toilet since no pee ever actually goes in. I haven’t done the research, but these cost savings may, actually, be offset by bulk-order purchases of disinfectant.

Finally, you will likely see progress early on, but you’ll pay a steep price. A real life experience of my own…. My son (age 3) jumps up and hollers, “I have to go peepee!” He disappears into the bathroom. He returns a minute later having completed a magic trick — all his clothes are gone. Handing his underwear over to my wife he directs, “Touch them, mommy.” My wife ignores the directive; instead, she provides the appropriate affirmation, praising his sphincter control. My son (still naked) gets more specific. “Touch them mommy,” he says. “Touch them right on the bottom. They’re a little bit wet.”

Yes, that’s what he said. “Touch them right on the bottom.” And yes, my wife touched them. This will be your penalty for disregarding my advice; you too will touch peed-on underwear and pretend to be excited by the fact that your kid started to pee his pants, stopped and made it to the bathroom.

Hopefully, this phenomenon will stop before high school.