Rambler #2: Poop

You know how they say, “write what you know.” Two quick thoughts. First, and un-original I confess, is who is they? Whoever they is (or are), they has quite the racket going. In any conversation, cite they and you gain the upper hand instantly.

Second, the topic of the day….poop. Write what you know. I have two kids under four. I know poop.

Malcolm Gladwell’s latest New York Times Bestseller is titled Outliers. According to Wikipedia, an “outlier is an observation that is numerically distant from the rest of the data,” like Mr. Gladwell’s hair.

In his book, Mr. Gladwell describes various sensations like the Beatles and Bill Gates — experts in their respective fields — as having spent at least 10,000 hours practicing whatever it is they are awesome at. This is the “10,000 Hour Rule.”

That's it, I thought, That's all it takes to become an expert? I pulled out a calculator and calendar and soon realized that I was, indeed, an expert parent! In fact, I was an expert parent nearly three times over with 30,000+ hours of parenting practice. 

According to Mr. Gladwell, it typically takes 10 years to achieve the label of “expert”. But I’m a parent 24 hours a day, so I achieved expert status in a little more than a year.

Remember, Mr. Gladwell’s book is on the New York Times Bestseller list. Anything in it can and should be accepted with full impunity. What solace; what comfort; what power I now have.

Back to poop. Well, potty training really, but having Poop in the title helps the seo. My eldest, my son, is potty training, nearly trained. They say this is a very important developmental phase in your child. As an expert, I have much to say; today will be a short intro.

Lesson #1 — Potty training (before you begin)

As your child approaches potty-training age, you will feel nervous excitement. By this time, you’ve changed upwards of 10,000 diapers, consequently making you a diaper-changing expert. You are tired. You are elated at the idea not having to extract your child from a mound of poop every morning.

Instead, you'd sit on the couch sipping your coffee and reading this blog while your child plays calmly on the floor. Suddenly, he stops his play, arises from the floor, walks into the bathroom and takes care of business. All the pee and poop goes in the toilet. He washes his hands and goes back to playing. You continue to sip your coffee and shower soft accolades on your child for being so mature.

This is a lie. It never happens. Let me be very clear, it never happens. Listen to the expert... it's a lie. 

I recommend a simpler (and sanity-saving course of action) — simply continue to change diapers… forever. Don't potty train... ever. Don’t do it. Listen to the expert....

Next — Lesson #2: Potty-training (what to do after you ignore my advice)