Rambler #4: Poop Finally

You didn’t listen to my advice did you and now you’re in the heart of it. If you’ve only just started, you can still turn back. If you’ve purchased real underwear adorned with Lightning McQueen or My Little Pony and there’s no going back.

I’ll try to help you salvage what you can.

First, modern-day diapers can absorb a child’s full body weight in pee and poop. That’s right, their full body weight. You can note this when you buy diapers. In the bottom left corner of the packaging is a weight range, say 24-36 pounds. That’s 24-36 pounds of pee and poop that can be absorbed by one single diaper. And you just removed this space-age protection from the loins of your child. You will be appalled by the amount of what exits from your child.

Second, if you have a son, he will soon realize that he can, in fact, control the stream of urine. With reckless abandon, he will fire upon any object within range, be it furniture or sisters. He will not pee in the potty if at all possible.

Worse still results from the ill-advised notion that bathing two kids in the tub at once is a great idea — think of all the water you save. Remember the sleepover where the poor kid who first fell asleep got his fingers stuck in warm water and peed his pants? As soon as your son’s feet hit the warm bath water, his Gatling gun will release a withering assault on his sister’s head.

One small solace is that you will save water in flushing the toilet since no pee ever actually goes in. I haven’t done the research, but these cost savings may, actually, be offset by bulk-order purchases of disinfectant.

Finally, you will likely see progress early on, but you’ll pay a steep price. A real life experience of my own…. My son (age 3) jumps up and hollers, “I have to go peepee!” He disappears into the bathroom. He returns a minute later having completed a magic trick — all his clothes are gone. Handing his underwear over to my wife he directs, “Touch them, mommy.” My wife ignores the directive; instead, she provides the appropriate affirmation, praising his sphincter control. My son (still naked) gets more specific. “Touch them mommy,” he says. “Touch them right on the bottom. They’re a little bit wet.”

Yes, that’s what he said. “Touch them right on the bottom.” And yes, my wife touched them. This will be your penalty for disregarding my advice; you too will touch peed-on underwear and pretend to be excited by the fact that your kid started to pee his pants, stopped and made it to the bathroom.

Hopefully, this phenomenon will stop before high school.

Rambler #2: Poop

You know how they say, “write what you know.” Two quick thoughts. First, and un-original I confess, is who is they? Whoever they is (or are), they has quite the racket going. In any conversation, cite they and you gain the upper hand instantly.

Second, the topic of the day….poop. Write what you know. I have two kids under four. I know poop.

Malcolm Gladwell’s latest New York Times Bestseller is titled Outliers. According to Wikipedia, an “outlier is an observation that is numerically distant from the rest of the data,” like Mr. Gladwell’s hair.

In his book, Mr. Gladwell describes various sensations like the Beatles and Bill Gates — experts in their respective fields — as having spent at least 10,000 hours practicing whatever it is they are awesome at. This is the “10,000 Hour Rule.”

That's it, I thought, That's all it takes to become an expert? I pulled out a calculator and calendar and soon realized that I was, indeed, an expert parent! In fact, I was an expert parent nearly three times over with 30,000+ hours of parenting practice. 

According to Mr. Gladwell, it typically takes 10 years to achieve the label of “expert”. But I’m a parent 24 hours a day, so I achieved expert status in a little more than a year.

Remember, Mr. Gladwell’s book is on the New York Times Bestseller list. Anything in it can and should be accepted with full impunity. What solace; what comfort; what power I now have.

Back to poop. Well, potty training really, but having Poop in the title helps the seo. My eldest, my son, is potty training, nearly trained. They say this is a very important developmental phase in your child. As an expert, I have much to say; today will be a short intro.

Lesson #1 — Potty training (before you begin)

As your child approaches potty-training age, you will feel nervous excitement. By this time, you’ve changed upwards of 10,000 diapers, consequently making you a diaper-changing expert. You are tired. You are elated at the idea not having to extract your child from a mound of poop every morning.

Instead, you'd sit on the couch sipping your coffee and reading this blog while your child plays calmly on the floor. Suddenly, he stops his play, arises from the floor, walks into the bathroom and takes care of business. All the pee and poop goes in the toilet. He washes his hands and goes back to playing. You continue to sip your coffee and shower soft accolades on your child for being so mature.

This is a lie. It never happens. Let me be very clear, it never happens. Listen to the expert... it's a lie. 

I recommend a simpler (and sanity-saving course of action) — simply continue to change diapers… forever. Don't potty train... ever. Don’t do it. Listen to the expert....

Next — Lesson #2: Potty-training (what to do after you ignore my advice)